She walks into the poorly lit bedroom. Upon entering, she looks and observes her surroundings. Walls which were once decorated with posters of ballet and dancers have been replaced with images of darkness and Goth rock bands. She walks towards the closet and on the door remembers there being a huge poster of her favorite ballerina, now there is just a huge “x” painted in red and black graffiti in its place. That seems to be the décor for the room nowadays, red and black. Long red velvet drapes hung from the windows, only allowing the slight glimpse of the outside world into this now dark space that resided in the home. She looks up and where there used to be an elaborated replica of the poster for the Nutcracker, her favorite ballet of them all, now gave way to nothingness; it was painted over with black paint. It sort of gave the impression that the person underneath it was being swallowed in by a black hole.
She shook her head and then looked at the closet door, she gazed into the “x”, her hands trembled, and her heart pounded, what was behind that “x”, what was the meaning behind it? All good questions but none that was important to her at the moment. She opened the door and began to search for it…
— Where is it?
She said as she looked for it.
— That better be in here or I swear that I’ll…Got it!
She headed towards the bed and held it tightly in her grasp, she would rather die than lose it; yes she’d rather die. She sat down and looked at the continents of her hands; it was a small but thick notebook. Just as everything else in the room, it had the same color scheme, it was black and what seemed as blood all over it, but it couldn’t be. Then she began flipping through the pages of the diary and searching for anything of interest; finally she found something that could explain the change in persona. She began to read:
Dear Diary:
Today is June the eighteenth. It’s a terrible day, I wish I was dead! Something happened last night, something that has changed me forever! I don’t dare speak of it, but I wish I was strong enough to tell someone, I can’t even tell you…Oh, God take me now!
It wasn’t enough to tell her anything, all she knows is that something happened on June seventeenth that changed her, so she moved on. Flipping through the pages of the little black notebook, she finally came to an entry that made everything so very clear.
Dear Diary:
Today is July the first, in three more days my family will celebrate their annual Fourth of July picnic. I found out that I’m not free, I have nothing to celebrate. I’ve just been prolonging the inevitable. I brought a gun today, I’m going to use it and I’m going to end my suffering and the pleasure of that bastard! He says he loves me and to everyone he acts as if he were perfect. But if anyone knew, if my mother knew what he’s done to me, she’d…I don’t know what she’d do honestly. I tried to tell her. I tried to let her know what he did, what he continues to do, she just argued with me. She began to yell at me because the day I was going to tell her the truth, she had to pick me up from school for fighting again. My teachers also let her know that I was failing my classes, but who has time to study, when you’re too preoccupied with just wanting to destroy yourself. I’ve thought of running away, but what was the purpose; he’s taken everything from me, who’s gonna want me now. Mom blamed me for my failures, she said that she didn’t want to hear any excuses, so I left and came home at one in the morning. He was waiting for me along with mom; they argued, yelled and then he hit me. I was furious, I wanted to tell them the truth to let them know what was wrong, but something kept me quiet, he put a curse on me. I ran up to my room, I began to cry and I was about to get you to tell you about my day, when suddenly I heard footsteps. I began to pray, I didn’t want him to come and hurt me again. I never wanted him to, he’s a monster! My prayers fall on deaf ears; the door opens and he enters. He closes it and I hid behind the bed, he locks it. I begin to beg him not to do it, to just leave, but he tells me to be quiet, that he doesn’t want to hurt me. “I love you Amanda. I’d never hurt you.” he says, but I know it’s a lie, a person who truly loves doesn’t hurt the other person; at least that’s what mom always tells me. He walks towards me and I jump on the bed towards the other side of the room, but he grabs me, then he slams me on the bed; I prayed that the loud thud sound would wake up my mom but it never does, she always takes sleeping pills because of her insomnia. He always waits until she’s knocked out or out of the house, I try to avoid him, but he’s evil! He begins to hit me then he turns me over and pushes my face into the mattress, I begin to cry, but the blankets and the pillows act as a muffle for my sounds. He pulls down my pants and then my shorts and finally he’s angry so he rips off my panties. I can feel him fidgeting with his pajamas, he prepares himself and then he does it! Yes, finally I said it, he did it! He’s the reason why I’m this way, he’s the reason why I want to die and he’s the reason why I brought the gun. I wish I can tell my mother, but I cant, she’d only blame me, like she did before and who knows maybe it is my fault…
She closes the notebook. She gets up and begins to look through the dresser drawers. She didn’t find anything; she took a moment to think and then went into the bathroom. She checked in the medicine cabinet, between the towels and finally she checked behind the toilet, bingo, she found it. It was a small gun, perfect for a woman, which made her happy. She wasn’t afraid; she put it into her jacket pocket and went back into the bedroom. She took the notebook and wrote something just before she put it back in its place. She headed downstairs and then outside towards the backyard. Everyone was celebrating, friends, family and neighbors were all there, but she didn’t notice anyone but him. Amanda was in the corner by herself. She could hear people talking about how Amanda has become a bad seed, this infuriated her, but made her even more determined to do what she was about to do. Amanda watched as she walked straight through the backyard towards him. Amanda thought that she would have to see them play house again, but she then noticed something different. She was walking with a certain determination that unnerved Amanda. Amanda didn’t know why but she got up and began to walk behind her. Finally at her mark, she smiled at him and even allowed him to give her a kiss on the cheek as he routinely did. She then whispered something in his ear that terrified him, he opened his eyes wide and tried to move away but it was too late, she shot him.
Everyone ran and screamed, some of his co-workers, all officers as well, tackled her and wrestled the gun from her hands. Amanda watched still as stone as the officers handcuffed her mother. She also watched as her grandparents rushed to try and stop the bleeding, but it didn’t seem to work. She could hear her grandmother begging the Virgin Mary to spare his life and she could also hear the officers calling for an ambulance and backup. “An officer is down; send backup and a paramedic, to Officer Colon’s residence.” Her grandfather yelled at her to get bandages, she looked into her mothers eyes and read her lips as she said “I love you.” Amanda ran inside and instead of going for the emergency first aid kit, she ran up towards her room and looked for her diary. She could tell it was moved from its hiding place, she opened it and she saw tear impressions on the entry of July the first, just three days ago when she had a breakdown and confessed to her diary her awful encounters with her father almost every night. She was about to run downstairs to be with her mother, when she noticed something in the last pages of her diary. She read it:
Dear Amanda;
I know you probably blame me for what has happened to you, and it’s alright, I blame myself too. But I just want you to know that I love you and I always will, what I do today is for your own good. I owe you a better life than the one you’ve been forced to live. I know you’re probably upset with me for reading your diary, but I just knew something was wrong with you and it wasn’t teenage hormones as your dreadful father wanted me to believe. Baby, you’re just a young girl, with your whole life ahead of you. He hasn’t taken anything from you that you can’t work hard to rebuild. Promise me to work hard and get help and to make something of yourself. I lived my life and honestly my life was complete when I brought you into this world and now that I’ve finally made it safe for you, I can be in peace. I love you and I always will.
Love, your mom.
She began to cry, clutching the little notebook. Her grandmother came upstairs crying and saying that her son, Amanda’s father, is dead. Amanda stopped crying; suddenly a rush of hope came over her. She was afraid but she also had hope now, something that she hadn’t had in quite some time.
She shook her head and then looked at the closet door, she gazed into the “x”, her hands trembled, and her heart pounded, what was behind that “x”, what was the meaning behind it? All good questions but none that was important to her at the moment. She opened the door and began to search for it…
— Where is it?
She said as she looked for it.
— That better be in here or I swear that I’ll…Got it!
She headed towards the bed and held it tightly in her grasp, she would rather die than lose it; yes she’d rather die. She sat down and looked at the continents of her hands; it was a small but thick notebook. Just as everything else in the room, it had the same color scheme, it was black and what seemed as blood all over it, but it couldn’t be. Then she began flipping through the pages of the diary and searching for anything of interest; finally she found something that could explain the change in persona. She began to read:
Dear Diary:
Today is June the eighteenth. It’s a terrible day, I wish I was dead! Something happened last night, something that has changed me forever! I don’t dare speak of it, but I wish I was strong enough to tell someone, I can’t even tell you…Oh, God take me now!
It wasn’t enough to tell her anything, all she knows is that something happened on June seventeenth that changed her, so she moved on. Flipping through the pages of the little black notebook, she finally came to an entry that made everything so very clear.
Dear Diary:
Today is July the first, in three more days my family will celebrate their annual Fourth of July picnic. I found out that I’m not free, I have nothing to celebrate. I’ve just been prolonging the inevitable. I brought a gun today, I’m going to use it and I’m going to end my suffering and the pleasure of that bastard! He says he loves me and to everyone he acts as if he were perfect. But if anyone knew, if my mother knew what he’s done to me, she’d…I don’t know what she’d do honestly. I tried to tell her. I tried to let her know what he did, what he continues to do, she just argued with me. She began to yell at me because the day I was going to tell her the truth, she had to pick me up from school for fighting again. My teachers also let her know that I was failing my classes, but who has time to study, when you’re too preoccupied with just wanting to destroy yourself. I’ve thought of running away, but what was the purpose; he’s taken everything from me, who’s gonna want me now. Mom blamed me for my failures, she said that she didn’t want to hear any excuses, so I left and came home at one in the morning. He was waiting for me along with mom; they argued, yelled and then he hit me. I was furious, I wanted to tell them the truth to let them know what was wrong, but something kept me quiet, he put a curse on me. I ran up to my room, I began to cry and I was about to get you to tell you about my day, when suddenly I heard footsteps. I began to pray, I didn’t want him to come and hurt me again. I never wanted him to, he’s a monster! My prayers fall on deaf ears; the door opens and he enters. He closes it and I hid behind the bed, he locks it. I begin to beg him not to do it, to just leave, but he tells me to be quiet, that he doesn’t want to hurt me. “I love you Amanda. I’d never hurt you.” he says, but I know it’s a lie, a person who truly loves doesn’t hurt the other person; at least that’s what mom always tells me. He walks towards me and I jump on the bed towards the other side of the room, but he grabs me, then he slams me on the bed; I prayed that the loud thud sound would wake up my mom but it never does, she always takes sleeping pills because of her insomnia. He always waits until she’s knocked out or out of the house, I try to avoid him, but he’s evil! He begins to hit me then he turns me over and pushes my face into the mattress, I begin to cry, but the blankets and the pillows act as a muffle for my sounds. He pulls down my pants and then my shorts and finally he’s angry so he rips off my panties. I can feel him fidgeting with his pajamas, he prepares himself and then he does it! Yes, finally I said it, he did it! He’s the reason why I’m this way, he’s the reason why I want to die and he’s the reason why I brought the gun. I wish I can tell my mother, but I cant, she’d only blame me, like she did before and who knows maybe it is my fault…
She closes the notebook. She gets up and begins to look through the dresser drawers. She didn’t find anything; she took a moment to think and then went into the bathroom. She checked in the medicine cabinet, between the towels and finally she checked behind the toilet, bingo, she found it. It was a small gun, perfect for a woman, which made her happy. She wasn’t afraid; she put it into her jacket pocket and went back into the bedroom. She took the notebook and wrote something just before she put it back in its place. She headed downstairs and then outside towards the backyard. Everyone was celebrating, friends, family and neighbors were all there, but she didn’t notice anyone but him. Amanda was in the corner by herself. She could hear people talking about how Amanda has become a bad seed, this infuriated her, but made her even more determined to do what she was about to do. Amanda watched as she walked straight through the backyard towards him. Amanda thought that she would have to see them play house again, but she then noticed something different. She was walking with a certain determination that unnerved Amanda. Amanda didn’t know why but she got up and began to walk behind her. Finally at her mark, she smiled at him and even allowed him to give her a kiss on the cheek as he routinely did. She then whispered something in his ear that terrified him, he opened his eyes wide and tried to move away but it was too late, she shot him.
Everyone ran and screamed, some of his co-workers, all officers as well, tackled her and wrestled the gun from her hands. Amanda watched still as stone as the officers handcuffed her mother. She also watched as her grandparents rushed to try and stop the bleeding, but it didn’t seem to work. She could hear her grandmother begging the Virgin Mary to spare his life and she could also hear the officers calling for an ambulance and backup. “An officer is down; send backup and a paramedic, to Officer Colon’s residence.” Her grandfather yelled at her to get bandages, she looked into her mothers eyes and read her lips as she said “I love you.” Amanda ran inside and instead of going for the emergency first aid kit, she ran up towards her room and looked for her diary. She could tell it was moved from its hiding place, she opened it and she saw tear impressions on the entry of July the first, just three days ago when she had a breakdown and confessed to her diary her awful encounters with her father almost every night. She was about to run downstairs to be with her mother, when she noticed something in the last pages of her diary. She read it:
Dear Amanda;
I know you probably blame me for what has happened to you, and it’s alright, I blame myself too. But I just want you to know that I love you and I always will, what I do today is for your own good. I owe you a better life than the one you’ve been forced to live. I know you’re probably upset with me for reading your diary, but I just knew something was wrong with you and it wasn’t teenage hormones as your dreadful father wanted me to believe. Baby, you’re just a young girl, with your whole life ahead of you. He hasn’t taken anything from you that you can’t work hard to rebuild. Promise me to work hard and get help and to make something of yourself. I lived my life and honestly my life was complete when I brought you into this world and now that I’ve finally made it safe for you, I can be in peace. I love you and I always will.
Love, your mom.
She began to cry, clutching the little notebook. Her grandmother came upstairs crying and saying that her son, Amanda’s father, is dead. Amanda stopped crying; suddenly a rush of hope came over her. She was afraid but she also had hope now, something that she hadn’t had in quite some time.